God is so mysterious to me. Some days i want to sit and just have Him speak to me. Other days i feel like putting my fist up to fight Him. Still other days I ignore Him and His hand in my life. Yet through it all he has yet to give up on me and provide for me. Today i once again saw His hand in my life.
This past month has been a rough one for me. I've been trying to figure out what i want to do, if i want to stay at Cedarville, if I'm willing to take on the massive financial debt that Cedarville will impart on me. It's really put me in a mass confusion state of what i really want out of life, who i want to be, and what I'm willing to sacrifice to get there. God honestly scares the crap out of me when he does these things but seeing how He didn't install in us the power of fear, i guess its more of a challenge by Him. I know He's pushing me towards these things i cant see, but i know right now He's really testing my trust in His plan. when i leave Cedarville there is a good chance that I'll have well over a 100,000 dollars in debt. I can't even imagine that amount of money, yet I still feel i need to stay in this place, I feel God will provide and if i end up poor I'd rather be poor and serving the Lord than have no debt at all. My major is defiantly being changed but to what I don't really know, but I think I'll figure it out by His grace.
So now I enter a new chapter in my life. The road to a life serving Him somewhere, somehow, with people who need more help than I do.
Peace. Love. Hope.