Good God we need you this time of year......

lets say I'm convinced he arrived just in time.

So I've been out for a little while. It's been weird and I really can't even begin to explain it. The point is things always look up after a while. Christmastime is here and this year it almost feels fake. Like its not a real Christmas even at all. I'm trying to focus back in on the importance of the holiday that is Christ and his beautiful and radical birth into the world.

I have so many distractions in the world. I need God to come and show me why I have no reason to worry about such silly things.

Be well this holiday everyone!!!

Art within music.......

If you believe in art being a part of music. Then you owe it to yourself to spend some time with Paper Route. Spent a wonderful evening with these gentlemen tonight and I must say it was very much worth it. Really enjoyed the music and equally enjoyed the conversation afterwards. Listen to paper route.

Be Blessed.

Open your eyes, you're still here.......

Maybe sometimes we all forget how blessed we are. Maybe we all forget that we're still alive.....empty handed but alive. I don't know if I've ever felt peace in my life completely. But I know now in the midst of every storm that I am alive and I have purpose buried beneath this current state of life.

God is and forever will be my reason to keep going. He is my wise shepherd guiding me to my destination. Life will go on and I will be well.

Bless you all. Much love and peace.

Coming up for air......

Well its been a while. I've been on an extended break out of the blog world and been collecting myself through keeping busy with work, finding a real job and friends. Its been good and I've been trying to collect myself in this current season of my life.

I must say the older you get the tougher it gets to walk through life. The more you need faith in something. I've tried putting faith in several things in my life. Almost all of them have left me feeling incredibly underwhelmed and unsatisfied. It seems every time I drift off that I find myself once again at the feet of Jesus begging to be taken back. I hate this cycle. I hate that I'm so incredibly intrigued by so many other things outside of His kingdom.  I hate that I struggle and claw my way through a world that cares nothing of purity or love.

And yet.

I am still here. I am still a child of Christ. What is around me is more often than not something that I cannot change. I believe contentment is a word that has no place in human nature outside of the grace of God. I've been paid for and I have a name in Christ alone. He is my Father and even though I'm a prodigal son so very often. I am still his son.

My sweet Jesus thank you for being so wonderfully gracious with me. Thanks for loving me in a way that no one has ever even come close to doing. I'm learning through baby steps how to love you in return the way you have so consistently chose to love me. Jesus you are forgiveness and to know that I am forgiven is to be set free.

Amen.

I think we're on to something good here........

Just thinking that I'm going to come out of the post college blues. I'm finding lots of good things to dwell on lately. I've sort of been battling with God about a lot of different things recently as I've tried to explain why these times have been just weird for me. I think that it was bound to happen at some point in my life but it just happened to be the breaking point at this particular time in my early twenties. That all said the plans are being formed and cemented on what the next step is. Prayers are being prayed for the first time in a bit because I was angry at God for a bit.

Yes I do that. I don't know why. Anyway, I'm on the up and up. Pressing on......

Love you all. More to come soon.

and here we are.......

Growing up was something foreign once. It was a decade away. Then it was 5 years away. Then a few years off. Then I stumbled into the realization that life is here and no one is waiting for me. I remember in my younger years having expectations for my life at this point and now having achieved very little of them I find myself searching for the reality of now.

Love is a fickle thing. It moves in  motions we understand only in tiny intervals and just when we grasp things marginally, we gamble away good love for momentary comforts. I've gambaled for most of my life with the things that are good to me. Things such as grace, God, friendships. It seems like only a little while ago that I had the path clearly planned out for what was ahead of me. college, job, wife, kids.........and now that seems to be less and less of a reality and more of a fantasy. I gambled, I lost.

I'm not saying that none of this will happen. I'm sure in time that it will. For now I piece together what is to come for the time being. I can only kid myself with plans these days. We know nothing of the future. We only know where we are today. I only know that what was and is not what will be.

I'm a shell of my former self. Wrestling with my roots attempting to find calm in a raging sea. Anchors are deployed but we are far too deep to find the ocean floor.

Yet I feel constantly on the verge of finding ground to stand on. I feel like I'm constantly on the brink of finding God like I've never found him before. I feel like everything will be explained to me soon. When I see the fruits of my passions change for good. In all this though I've known the truth that its time to stop gambling away good things in my life. In fact its time to start to shift focus to those things that are in fact good to begin with. Playing with fire is no longer my desire.

And so we grow up. And so we hold on for dear life. But it is the turbulence that gives us life. I really believe that love must detain us, engulf us, and dominate our being before we can embrace the things God has for us. That life has in store for us.

I wrote this after a wedding the other night. It was a great weekend with my wonderful friend Erin whom is always a blast to spend time with but we had a conversation about those we care about and how we must love even when things they are doing are seemingly idiotic (sounds similar to what our creator must do). This is what came from the convo:

Sometimes in life we all trip up a little and fall with anything but a graceful nature. I think that maybe loving people is a bit like this. We stumble through relationships at times and only once we start to fall with such a violent nature do we start to learn how to love patience, grace and hopefulness that manifest itself in the truest of love forms known to many as authenticity. This is something that we all must continue to foster with great passion until the very end. 

A few cool videos......

I really love videos that do something artistically......here's are a few that accomplish that in spades.

Halos- "Amalgam"

This video is absolutely gorgeously shot from beginning to end and captures the essence of the song perfectly. 

The Naked and The Famous- "Young Blood" 

This video captures every feeling I have and still feel about my youth. Energy, apprehension, and adventure.

Death Cab for Cutie- "You are a Tourist" 

This video was shot completely in one take and I love it. Love me some Death Cab. 

Amazing what one day can do.........

Life is strange as of late. I find myself either incredibly depressed or incredibly inspired. I need to find some happy medium. I'm sitting on my computer in a macdonalds of all places but its always a bit comforting to me to watch kids play. I think they're hilarious because they have no sense of the problems in the world around them. They're happy to be with friends and they don't know pain outside of scrapping up their knees when they fall on concrete.

I miss that. I miss being young enough to fall down and be picked up again.

Like I said life is strange. Innocence only last so long then we get hit with a harsh reality that is we are in a rather dire situation here on earth. I'm thinking sometimes that we create this dire situation is it true that we like living in misery? Is it true that we somehow comfort in knowing that everything is wrong. My best bud suggested that whilst listening to 80's music he realized how much more upbeat and and positive it was. I was like holy crap all the music I listen to is so depressing, another indicator that things are a little off no doubt.

Coming from a kid that finds himself often living among his own personal demons, I can say often that I don't know anything else. That my head convinces my soul that this life is a tiresome affair that couldn't be over soon enough. I'd by lying if I said I haven't prayed to God recently "to take me home soon". I just get so worn down. So beat up by the current state of affairs.

The truth however is that I have nothing to complain about. I'm still blessed beyond words. I'm still incredibly lucky. I have a lot of things to point to as blessings. A lot of things that indicate the faithfulness of God in my life.

I'm sorry God for when I get whiney and ask for more than you've given. I'm sorry that I'm bitch a lot about things that are only mildly difficult in the grand scheme of things. You are good to me and this I need to remind myself always.

The lulls in traffic......

I love Aaron Marsh and everything he touches.........

.....also a old classic by The Myriad. 

So I'm writing something...........

not sure exactly yet what it is. Something like a non fiction piece. Just covering life at 22 years old. Here's a rough introduction I worked out.

Their are times in all our lives that we find ourselves a little desperate. We could say we are in desperate need of some affection or in desperate need in a change of pace or maybe its something else that we are desperate for. We’re are all quite mad when we get desperate, honestly we do crazy things. Some of us get angry and punch walls, some plan trips on a whim, some of us drink until we are gone, and some of us find ourselves in the bed of someone we never thought we’d wake up too. This is how we react because we are human and it happens.  

This story is written out of a time in desperation. Desperation brought about by change in the world around me. You see the life I know is ending and something I’m not quite sure of is beginning. Adulthood is a mystery I may never quite unravel but I’m certainly giving myself the best shot at it I’ve got. I’m sitting here watching a summer rain storm and If you’ve ever watched a summer rain storm in the midwest then you know its very similar to my story as of right now. It comes in with a fury and washes the old away to grow something new. It may take a while but it will grow. 

I think this could take a while. 

Thoughts? Like it? Hate it? 

In other news, I finally have some form of income in the way of a barista job. Thats pretty friggin awesome. I'm so fascinated by coffee so I'm eager to learn about it. Hope all is well! 

Peace and love. Stay wild. 

The book that changed my life........

is being made into a movie. I hope its good. The trailer looks promising.

Much Peace and love on this Tuesday. 

Everything is preparation......

I'm not the smartest man alive. In fact I'm pretty sure I'm somewhere near the bottom of the percentile but as I've trudged myself through life I like to think I stumble across little nuggets of knowledge that are worth sharing. I like these moments because I feel as if I gain something out of my day thats valuable and doesn't just add to the noise of the world around me. All this to say that this journey is all preparation. Thats right I'm convinced that this is orchestrated,  in a very strategic manner by our creator.

Think of it as this, you're life sucks because of (fill in the blank) and I totally agree your life sucks. Been there thought that, despite the fact that if we have food in front of us we are pretty damn lucky, still life situations cause much pain and heartache no doubt. However I'm maybe starting to acknowledge the greater purpose in all this pain and heartache.

Maybe we are learning, hurting to become better.

I think maybe my failures in life have taught me quite a few things about humanity. Maybe the God of the universe cares so much about us getting better that he allows us to go through ish that none of us like at all and yet when its finished we look at something good in our life and say I could have never done this right without doing that wrong.

We learn, we toil, we fall apart. Then we grow, we teach, and we gain what we worked hard for. Their is nothing wrong with scraping your knee as long as you learn to ride the bike. I'm learning.........look God no hands :)

Thanks for reading and praying. Stay wild. 

Welcome summer......

Summer is arguably the best time in the Midwest. Its so very nice here. Vitamin D is flowing in the skin. Pools are open for the kids to splash around. Amusement parks are in full swing. The Reds are playing hopefully good baseball.

One of my favorite things to do in the summer is just to explore. Hop in the car and drive a road I've never been on before. Go hiking in some forest just to discover whatever their is to find.

This is also a season of renewal. Summer rain storms are the best they just soak the whole place, washing the world clean. A new chance for creation to be beautiful.

We all need these chances. Me as much as anyone, because I've been through a lot over the last year. I guess I have a shallow hope in this summer. That maybe for the first time in a long while I'll find some goodness to pull from the world around me. Some sort of cool blessing that shows itself into a future full of wonder. Haha maybe I'm asking for a bit much. The truth is life is changing and for the first time in my life I have no human hand to hold as I move forward. I am on my own for better or for worse. With the exception of my loyal traveling partner, Jesus that is.

I really love people. I have this fondness for human relationships. I see God in people and the way we chose to be good to one another. On the flip side I see satan in the way we chose to be harmful to one another.

Lately I feel as if I've been isolated from people and that in turn has made me more angry as a person. And this is why I need healing in this summer time. Some good conversations with new friends and old ones alike will certainly do the trick. However I've seen also how temporary those things are because I also need to place my hope firmly in Christ. In the fact that he has a future for me in his kingdom that I cannot wait to arrive in. Like seriously the idea of getting to go home sounds so wonderful. I think thats a good thing.

Anyway if you read this and you're in the cincy/dayton area of ohio this summer please inform me because I want some adventure!!!!

In light of my thought on going home here is a song to embrace it.

Learning how to heal.......

I'm not much for healing. In fact I think that I've never taken time to let things heal. To learn how to forgive. To learn to turn over my own inability to let go to a God that wants nothing more than to see me better. Te see me stronger. I am not as strong as I'd like to be in so many different areas of my life. I really believe maybe for the first time that all my strength must be derived from God. I have to lay down myself everyday till I reach heavens gates.


I'm really trying to live a good story finally. Not a story that has its good parts. Then has its very poor parts. I want the story to really be about God and what He can do through me.


My plans. My ways. My desires. Even my dreams.


Must come second, to His narrative. The story of salvation to a world that abandoned its King.


I can't believe he stuck around. Never gave up on us. We serve a really cool God.


Thanks for listening and if you're praying thanks for that as well.

The only peace I've found..........

The longer I’m alive the more I see how chaotic life is. The more I see that its so easy to get washed away in the storm of the day to day. I see how people live for the next little glimmer of hope in their lives. A momentary fleeting joy to cover up the truth that they are floating without direction in an endless sea of other human bodies. 

I can’t live like this. 

I don’t know how people do. 

Here’s the deal. I know life is hard. I know it exhausts us to either retirement or an early grave but I refuse to believe that life must be lived this way. I refuse to hold to the patterns of the common. I refuse because I know their is more to this existence. Their is true unbridled joy that comes not from human ways. 

God has never claimed to be normal. Jesus was a radical every way you slice it. Why should I be different? Why should I settle for a life of average when I can find peace and joy in the life of living as a radical in Christ. 

I can honestly say that my life is only at peace when I am resting in the arms of my savior. I am truly starting to believe that this is all I want for my life. I just want to serve and learn and share the peace I’ve found with others. 

My life would be complete in that. Completely emerged in the presence of God. 

Just been on my thoughts a lot lately. Also God has really blessed me with a few cool job opportunities so I feel very thankful for that. 

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope” Romans 15:13

A few tunes that are meaning a lot recently......

"You're Beautiful" - Phil Wickham

This song for me is unusual because its by Phil Wickham which is sort of girly but I think this song has some wonderful imagery about the beauty of God in the world around us. I love the wedding bells line to, so very hopeful! 

"Untitled"- My Epic

I think this band essentially gets it. I think this song is a wonderful look at that majesty of Christ the man that came and walked the earth in flesh like ours, so our flesh could not control us anymore. Wonderful imagery again used. 

"Dirty and Left Out" - The Almost

This song is extremely personal to me. I remember the first time I heard it, I just sat motionless and prayed with tears in my eyes. I think its honest and intensely human.

"How he loves" John Mark Mcmillian 

Instead of linking to this song this is a video of John talking about the story behind this song. He's a man thats truly in love with a Jesus some of us never get to see. 

Aarons Story

This is a video with Aaron just talking about his life, struggles and perseverance in Christ. Good stuff.

I hope these video and songs bring you joy and hope as they do me. Worship is something so precious so please allow these to help you in that act. 

Hosea..........

Through out the old testament their is a very common theme. Its sort of like a violent shoreline that God orchestrates into something beautiful. The shore line is of course Israel but what is so interesting about Israels story is the way that it mirrors our personal human story. This is maybe no better summed up than in the book of Hosea. A lot of people think I'm crazy when I say thats my favorite book of the Bible but for me I think its a no brainer.

You see Hosea is about a whore. Thats right, a prostitute. Its also about a man that is commanded by God to go and take this whore as a wife. A odd request from and even odder God but as always their is beauty in this bit of madness.

You see God uses this couple, people from two completely different worlds to show Israel itself. To show the depravity of the situation. God even goes so far as to have the kids conceived from this marriage named after the different parts of the situation. I find this to be well, crazy! But God shows his faithfulness to this situation.

You see once a whore, always a whore. Or so they say. However whats truly amazing is the God of the universe doesn't really believe in all that rubbish. In fact God proved his faithfulness to the whore by having her husband take her back.....again and again. God also took Israel back very much the same way.

And then their's us. Yes we are whores. We are rampant sinners stuck in these frail frames that have been destroyed by so many years of abuse, brokeness, depression, and addictions. Like the story of Hosea we are bought, paid for, redeemed. We have been given names in Christ. Second chances, third chances, and so on.....

I am in awe of this story. Mostly because I am constantly in awe of our story. The story of whore. That whore was and is me. A man that lost his way. That had no chance to survive.

Then someone came and took me home and said your a part of the family now.  You are my son. I am your father.

What a story. What a narrative to be a character in.

I am so thankful for Gods love for me and for never giving up on me.


"Go again, love a woman who is loved by another man and is an adulteress, even as the LORD loves the children of Israel, though they turn to other gods" Hosea 3:1 

I am the bastard son.........

I wonder sometimes the impact that we have on other people and how our kindness and grace can affect them for good in their lives. Can we help people see good things in their lives. Often I need help seeing good in mine, I think God created us to be around each other but ever since we messed up the whole perfect garden of eden thing that we’ve struggled to find our place again. Its hard for me to love people the same way I tend to so selfishly love myself. I think its a work in progress, something thats taken me years and years but I’m seeing it now. The good we can do. Wherever we are. I think that its good to know that God knows me because honestly at this point in my life its been hard for me to understand myself so often. I’m just in such a flux that its hard for me to see the good in situations, I find myself angry and bitter at the events in my life. At the lack of attention given to me, God’s greatest child (Duh I’m right here). Yeah I know I’m an ass. 

The truth is I’m being selfish expecting God to do something. Its as if I’m waiting for him to perform a miracle and bring me something new to show his commitment to me. Am I completely selfish? Am I so obssesed with the goodness of my own well being that I forget to look around and see all the good things already handed to me. I just ask for more and more. When am I satisfied? When do I settle down and accept that God is in my life each day whether I chose to acknowledge him or not. I’m terrible. I am so bad at this. 

I find myself giving a laundry list of things to God to give me answers too:

I need a job. 

I need friends.

I need to move out. 

I need money.

I need direction.

I’m so tired of trying to fill my needs. Fill my desires. When did I become so selfish? When did I find myself with such a me focused attitude? 

God please have patience on this man who has lived and incredibly selfish lifestyle for so long. Please protect me from my persistent self-righteousness. 

Their is a line in a song that I love that says.

I still believe that change can happen
Though it's hard and it happens slowly
I still believe forgiveness comes with love
And God when it washes over me

I’m finding healing, forgiveness, love are something learned.They are not a formality. Its not something that automatically happens. Its something that we build towards. Something that takes time and a nursing attitude towards. 

God has so much for us. I know this. I want to serve Him. I don’t know what that looks like yet. I know it includes lots of conversations. Lots of giving. Lots of sacrifice. Lots of working my hands raw. 

Today I will begin this work for my Lord. 

Don’t be like me. Love life. Embrace it. Even when it starts to fall apart. Holdfast to the hope in Jesus. 

I am a pilgrim, a voyager

I won't rest until my lips touch the shore

Of the land that I've been longing for as long as I've lived

Where there'll be no pain or tears anymore 

Live.........

Live. Yes Live. 

Do not fear living. Do not fear a God that wants us to do just that. 

Live. Yes Live. 

Dance till your feet are blistered. Run until you legs give out. Swim till you cannot see the shore. Love until your heart is spent. Laugh until tears are flowing. Embrace as if its your last chance to do so. 

Live. Yes Live. 

We are here to live and we shall rest with a savior when we are dead. If you are unsure of this rest then Live within his thoughts and search him out. Its your journey and I promise He is the perfect travel partner. 

Live. Yes Live. 

You complete me............

I’ve been thinking about love a lot or maybe what I would now call romance. The idea of two people in a romantic relationship, some call this love. I guess I consider love to be the feeling that I feel for my friends and family and I’ve mistakingly called romance “love” before but hey you live and learn. Anyway, as always in my young age I think being surrounded by people that often find themselves striving for romance or making attempts to find romance in order to “settle down” or to have something “stable”, has sort of got me thinking about the idea behind these statements. An idea that I may completely be off about but non the less I’m still going to explain it here. 

I for most of my life have had big grand dreams of romance. I’m terrible about this, like really I make myself sick. Anyway its with these ideas that after some experiences of my own, I’ve sort of been given a reality check when it comes to romance or what so much of hollywood paints and even (gasp) the christian culture tells us it is.

First thing first:

No one and that bears repeating, NO ONE can fulfill you. I mean that in the most not to crush peoples dreams kind of way, but its simply true. If other people could complete us then why would we need Jesus? 

I learned this from experience and dependency on someone that was entirely unhealthy and destructive in both my life and theirs. Its still weird to me that happened but I guess in many ways it was bound to happen given my perceptions of romance. So if you think all those love songs and sappy movies are real then let me be the first to fill you in that is simply not the case. Sad I know. 

Romance is real. I think. At least it seems to be in the lives of many of my friends and family. So I’m not saying that its not real, I’m just saying that its not what we often make it out to be. In fact, I’m really starting to believe that romance is something that can only been seen in its full glory in the shadow of a God that has put together a little plan to get peeps together in the first place. God the matchmaker? Yeah thats really weird, lets move on. 

Now the main thing I need to say. We must find completion in this life, I know this as well as anyone. I truly believe that it can be found but not in people, electronics, clothes, promotions, kids, or lottery tickets. 

Completion is a God that lives with us everyday. That brings us joy through his grace. That gives us hope in our incredibly meager frames. He simply is completion. 

Let me say I’m terrible at embracing this. I literally need a reminder every day. 

Now I think that to be able to truly find romance and embrace romance the way God intended romance to be I think we have to be complete already. We can’t need someone. We can’t have to have someone. I think I just flew in the face of every major love song ever wrote. So this is why I think that learning life on our own is so important. Why I think finding Jesus on our own is a much needed thing that can give us the independence we need to be able to embrace the life that He wants so badly for us. This includes the partner or the singleness that He wants for our lives. 

So their’s my theory. Take it for what its worth. 

Recently I have been telling myself over and over, “Chris you may never meet anyone and thats ok as long as you’re doing what God wants you too”  

It’s taking sometime to take hold but I think eventually it will be built into me. 

The complete me that is. 

Thanks so much for listening if you read all this. 

Love. Peace. Hope. 

Here I am, Here I'll remain.....

Its pretty crazy that I have a savior thats really there from beginning to end. Day and night, sunrise till sunset.

The lord has been sweet to me in this season of my life. I've been taught a lot of good things, new things, affirmed of old things. I'm convinced more and more that me living for myself is just not going to work out. In fact it seems a lot of "normal" things that people want from life are just not so attractive to me. I'm not sure still what everything will look like. I just know that God has weird/cool things in store for me in life. 

I'm growing in the idea of not having a chance outside of him, I literally am truly believing that for the first time in my life. He's sort of becoming my oxygen machine, to be removed would cause me to feel dead. I've struggled with dependency my entire life......not to drugs, alcohol, or any other substance but to emotions, situations, or relationships. So I'm thinking maybe finally I'm becoming dependent on the thing I've always needed to be dependent on in the first place. I love it, so much joy inside this scenario! 

Things outside of Him are losing their attractiveness and serving him just seems like the best thing. Its weird I feel like my life has changed so dramatically over the last year and yet I'm honestly back in the same place I always thought I'd be. I thought I'd be graduating with very little attachment to anything and have the ability to just go serve. Guess what? I'm not attached to anything despite my best efforts to be attached and now I'm so thankful for that fact.

 I'm humbled by this. 

That word just keeps coming to mind "humbled". humbled before the Lord, because I'm pretty sure He has it figured out, even when I feel so lost, I haven't lost that since of peace and humility that he knows exactly whats going on. 

Here's a few things to think of and pray for. 

I'm feeling like a cynic far too much these days. humble me in this area God.

Whats next? Praying for that, would love it if you would too. 

I'm trying to be intentional about praying for my friends and family more often, so a biggie for me right now is all my college friends being faced with big changes in their lives. Pray for them to see the bigger picture and not just the lures of money and success. Also specifically my friends Joy's father has been diagnosed with congestive heart failure. This is tough stuff kids. Pray for Joy and their family at this time. 

Also please whoever reads this. If you want to comment prayers, I promise I will pray for them. 

Love. Peace. Hope. 

Thanks for reading, keep loving each other.