Growing up was something foreign once. It was a decade away. Then it was 5 years away. Then a few years off. Then I stumbled into the realization that life is here and no one is waiting for me. I remember in my younger years having expectations for my life at this point and now having achieved very little of them I find myself searching for the reality of now.
Love is a fickle thing. It moves in motions we understand only in tiny intervals and just when we grasp things marginally, we gamble away good love for momentary comforts. I've gambaled for most of my life with the things that are good to me. Things such as grace, God, friendships. It seems like only a little while ago that I had the path clearly planned out for what was ahead of me. college, job, wife, kids.........and now that seems to be less and less of a reality and more of a fantasy. I gambled, I lost.
I'm not saying that none of this will happen. I'm sure in time that it will. For now I piece together what is to come for the time being. I can only kid myself with plans these days. We know nothing of the future. We only know where we are today. I only know that what was and is not what will be.
I'm a shell of my former self. Wrestling with my roots attempting to find calm in a raging sea. Anchors are deployed but we are far too deep to find the ocean floor.
Yet I feel constantly on the verge of finding ground to stand on. I feel like I'm constantly on the brink of finding God like I've never found him before. I feel like everything will be explained to me soon. When I see the fruits of my passions change for good. In all this though I've known the truth that its time to stop gambling away good things in my life. In fact its time to start to shift focus to those things that are in fact good to begin with. Playing with fire is no longer my desire.
And so we grow up. And so we hold on for dear life. But it is the turbulence that gives us life. I really believe that love must detain us, engulf us, and dominate our being before we can embrace the things God has for us. That life has in store for us.
I wrote this after a wedding the other night. It was a great weekend with my wonderful friend Erin whom is always a blast to spend time with but we had a conversation about those we care about and how we must love even when things they are doing are seemingly idiotic (sounds similar to what our creator must do). This is what came from the convo:
Sometimes in life we all trip up a little and fall with anything but a graceful nature. I think that maybe loving people is a bit like this. We stumble through relationships at times and only once we start to fall with such a violent nature do we start to learn how to love patience, grace and hopefulness that manifest itself in the truest of love forms known to many as authenticity. This is something that we all must continue to foster with great passion until the very end.