This is a collection of thoughts on faith, love, life and growing up. I would claim to be an expert but that be a lie, so instead I'll just say I'm learning. Thanks for reading and please pardon the sure to be common grammatical errors.
My experiences in life so far have taught me pretty much this: I know nothing except for a few things. I really do believe in Jesus and I believe in what he did. You may ask how can i believe in some man who walked on water, fed thousands, water to wine and all that other random crap. I wish i could give you some deep philosophical answer but i can't. I believe because he stands out from everyone else that has ever even made a scratch at the world. He not only talked about solutions to problems but he became a solution to problems. He was a savior even before he hung from a piece of wood and that to me is enough. I need some hope i tell you, some bloody, messy, abused and broken piece of hope to hold on too. Or else i would wither up and die. I'm no good at life and this i know but I'm pretty good at seeing that I'm worthless without any compass of hope. I need some wonder i suppose, a knowledge that there are those that defy the logic in this world and that because of it they perform something much more beautiful than i could ever understand in my humanity.
I'm often a doubter, mostly cause I'm a thinker. Often thinker's drive themselves to insanity, this i take into account often. I think we were meant to think, i really do but i also think at the end of the day it might be alright if we put what we thought about under the pillow and then leave it there the next morning when we get up and find it again later. Then compare what we did learn to what we now have learned.
Lots of random thoughts tonight. Its been an interesting journey on the other side of the world and one that I often take for granted. I have a dream that i get back home and i can never be comfortable again. Like my soul has no real home anymore and the experinces that i've had here can never be put into a photograph or spoken about. Things run deeper i suppose. There's a quote from Frodo that kept running through my head tonight:
How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep that have taken hold.
God loves us a tremendous amount and we can never shake ourselves free of that. Ireland is sorta like some grand magical place. I love life more than i can even begin to describe. People are really cool. I think my friends are the best. I really love music and think that a lot of good music has been released this year. I'm going to Spain next week. Pray for me. Pray for my friends. Pray for my enemies. Celebrate each and every breath.
Time to get crackalackin and pull myself together. Life is to short to dwell on the past.....I got God at my side and that's all that matters. I love my friends I love movies about the good kind of love. I can't wait to find myself again. Get up kid........life is waiting.
sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I could stand outside of myself and watch to see my life play out. As of late I've been so mixed on my feelings about everything God, Love, My Actions, Job, Direction. Maybe all my fears have come to a head and bad timing has just lined them all up to slap me in the face at once. At the same time I feel like all timing is still tuned to the clock of God and that is at least a moderately comforting thought. I will be honest I hate trials there very shitty and make me press forward often when I would rather just sit back and die. I often have trouble finding good in these kind of situations and seemingly focus often on the bad. So whatever I'm being taught right now, at this point all I can say is it has defiantly hurt like hell to figure out so it better be some huge life lesson. I know I sound pissed off and I'm really striving to stop being like that. I'm honestly taking each day at a time cause honestly that's all I can pretty much do at this point. Trying to stay positive and say what I need to say with each day. Sounds simple but dear god it has been hard.
Life is beautiful............its just sometimes it gets hidden behind the crap of the now.
well I must say the days have been getting slightly better. I don't feel amazing by any means but things are improving I haven't lost any friends in this whole tangled mess and that is very much a good thing. Mostly because I couldn't stand to lose the person that this focuses around, she is simply put one of my best friends and I really do care a lot about her. Timing just once again hasn't worked in my favor and I can accept that, as bitter as it may taste I need to put my friends lives first. I guess that's all I have to say I guess. I still don't get love one bit and think that it may never make sense to me. Oh well time will tell.
right now I can't even begin to describe how much things suck. Sometimes I just don't get life and how it decides to turn my world on its head in such an instant. I feel like each and everyday this week just more and more pain starts to stack itself on my chest and I can't sleep, I don't eat much, and I don't know what to do. I've been reading a little bit again and honestly I don't think its helping much this time. I just can't even imagine what I'm supposed to learn from this entire situation. I hate relationship stuff it just hurts my head, my heart, and opens wounds I thought had healed. The worst part is I feel for the most part in this situation I did the right thing and somehow got screwed because of it. I need lots of friends right now and tons more thoughts and prayer. Please oblige!
~A man in desperation for the first time in a long time
the school years wrapping up. tears have been cried, lessons learned, failures came.......failures went, people left....people came, things that shouldn't have been said were said....things that should have been weren't, friends are leaving for good and I couldn't be more happy for the memories that I've had. I love you my dear senior friends and please remember to remain as great as you are now.
Just sitting hear listening to the new As Cities Burn track and I am completely and utterly blown away with the song from beginning to end, its certainly a continued progression towards the final completion of their careers. I can not wait to hear the completed album as a whole, bet it will bring me to tears.
Anyway check out the stars tonight it always reminds me how small I am despite how puffed up our image of ourselves are.
I need reminding of this every now and then. Recently I've been trying to clean myself in the midst of a lot of heartache and questions. My mom was recently diagnosed with cancer and my Dad is drawing closer and closer to losing his job. Good news is my mom so far is looking good as far as severity of cancer and my Dad is in the midst of a hardcore interview with a new company. Lord willing everything will work out for that and if it doesn't I'm realizing suffering is more a tool to teach than punishment. We live in a dirty, screwed up world and I can't change that accept to plead for God's return. And now for the honesty part.
I have come to a fork in my path in life. I have hidden a sin that I cannot anymore and now have pleaded and confessed it to God. For most my life the struggle with lust has been the end all be all sin and now hopefully I can start to climb back towards the light again outside of that.
and for the first time I think I'm alright with that. Over the past few weeks I've felt God really trying to impose this idea upon me that he understands. He gets it, He knows that sin is a part of me the same as the heart beating within. He understands that never ever will i be anything but simply put a sinner but............that's exactly why he loves me because I fall so short. He doesn't like my sin but he loves that I admit that its there that I accept that its there and that I want to piece by piece remove the things that are there. I'll never be clean but somehow that's why He remains to show me that someday I'll join Him and I'll be bloody as hell but I'll still be there because He loved me where I was. Doesn't that just make the story of Jesus so much more powerful when you think that He loves us where we are, where we where, and where were going. No change needed just belief. If more people heard this we wouldn't have so many people that hate Christians. And for any of those that happen to read this and hate Christians than I want you to know as a Christian I understand I hate what we've made it as well.
That is all tonight I suppose.
To whomever may read this, God loves you just the way you are. Don't ever forget that no matter what road you travel in life.
Little bit of stuff. I'm a piece of crap and I'm still loved. I wear a mask but He sees right through me. I let anxiety dominate my life and He holds me together.
I honestly don't understand this redemption story. I don't get how I play some pivotal role in this narrative. I don't understand why i think the way I do. Why I see people the way I do. Why I live where I do. Why I have the loved ones I do. Why I'm in this scholastic atmosphere I feel has no connection with me and I'm somehow succeeding.
I feel like fighting. I feel like crying. I feel like praising. I feel like cursing. I feel like loving. I feel like lying. I feel like staying. I feel like leaving. I feel like living. I feel like dying.
I have so many questions in my life and yet they all feel so small when compared to the knowledge that I'll live in the house of God, forever.
My teenage years have officially come to and end and now what I see as adulthood begins. Tonight I felt the need to say that it has been a incredible blessing to live this wonderful life so far and I'm excited for the next twenty years. I want to live a life of true happiness and not try to just accumulate stuff. Anyway love you all.
New Year never fails to impress upon me the idea of change and hope. I know years have passed but We can all still change for the better and grow together. I spent the night among drunk high school friends, friends that most in my faith would avoid at this time of year but I needed to be there because I believe they need to see redemption they need to see love from their friends. Though I smell of alcohol and cigarettes I know my friends had a good safe time tonight. And that rings in a good new year in my book. Its a good year in this good life.
Love you all.
Welcome 2009 may you show us who we are and who we need to be.