slowdown..........

sometimes i get so eager in my life and people then have to force me to slow down. This happens with every single thing, even when i have good intentions, i tend to go overboard. It's simply one of my thousands of flaws but i do think its pretty cool that God still loves me despite these deficiencies. The big one that hit me today is getting impatient with myself, about a relationship I wanted to get moving. I hate when i catch myself doing these things because then i feel ridiculous afterward. One day I'm perfectly content with my life the next i long after something else. What this ultimately is misplaced desire. When i should be desiring God more I desire something else to fulfill me. I'm just to stupid to see it until someone points it out.

I don't understand it but I'm such an impatient person that i just let that drive me and my desires. If there's one thing that I've learned about God it's that he's extremely patient because he puts up with our stupidity constantly. So if I've ever acted like n idiot around you i do apologize and I'm not going to promise i wont don't do it again because i probably will, but i will strive to be better.

I'm officially switching to comm studies with a concentration in organizational communication. Basically I'm getting to pick an choose what classes i want to take. It will allow to open so many doors and i think I'm going to be living in Ireland for a bit in the process. Hopefully more on that later.

Heres a lyric i wrote recently that kind of hits exactly how i feel about love right now.

"Take the lead"
she said to me
you know this place better than I do
on my knees
begging please
that these days won't end without you

January 3rd, your leaving town
and I am so busy with school
but if I made the time
maybe I would find
something worth fighting to keep

and if this is still a game
than I've got more to learn
but if love is still on hold
then please just take the lead

Summer is a lonely time
hours spent living life
for a paycheck at the end of the week
that makes me miss friends
and the time we spent together

and if this is still a game
than I've got more to learn
but if love is still on hold
then please just take the lead

and I promise this is more than
just another thing I'll give up on
it means more to me
so just take the lead

downtrotten.....

i often feel this way about life. I get into these depressed states for a few days normally focusing around problems I'm dealing with. i guess this weekend i was feeling a little on the depressed side. Somehow i always find refuge and hope in Gods word though. so i guess that's what this post is about hope.

In John 14:18-19 Jesus says "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Yet a little while and the world will see me no more, but you will see me. because I live, you also will live"

This verse is pretty amazing to me. The comparing us to orphans is beautiful comparison in my opinion it really is how I feel a lot of the time. I think it really is who we are as people so lost, stumbling around trying to find happiness. Yet we have non just a momentary joy the slowly fads away soon after that moment. Then Jesus comes along and gives us undying joy. That's pretty cool.

Then i love how Jesus puts it when he says they wont see me anymore but you will see me. I think that really encouraging to us. I always find that Jesus places words in my life that i need right when i need them and not a second to late.

That is all.
Peace.
Love.
Hope.

foot washing......

My hall here at Cedarville(basically the people i live near) had a hall meeting last night. My R.A. who I have tremendous respect for read aloud the Easter story and as he ended he said "one thing that Jesus did at that last supper was wash his disciples feet. I'm not going to think of myself worthy enough to wash all your feet tonight but we are all one by one going to wash each other feet".

My first reaction was the natural one "that's gross" but as we He started by washing the first persons feet. I started to see the beauty and power of this image of a man bowing down to another man to wash his feet. Then i saw Jesus doing this at the last supper and my eyes started to water a bit. I then proceeded to wash a friend of mines feet, it was so humbling and wonderful to feel the way Jesus must of felt, as he was wiping clean his disciples feet knowing he would do the ultimate cleaning by laying his own life down soon.

I then climbed into the chair to have my feet cleaned and as a friend of mine started to clean them I lost it a bit emotionally. I saw Jesus before me, washing me clean and giving Himself up so I could be forgiven, so I could some how join Him one day, so i could have a relationship with Him that wasn't superficial but honest and real.

I was shaking by the end of the night and there wasn't one person that wasn't touched in the room i believe. God was so close that night, He was there telling me "see what I'm willing to do for you, see how much I love you". I couldn't help but say "i love you" right back.

I'm taking this Easter season so much more serious this year. Actually serious really isn't the right word, it's more real and not just a story anymore, it's why I'm alive. Praise Him.

Love you all, I'd gladly wash any of your feet.

New Revelations.........

God is so mysterious to me. Some days i want to sit and just have Him speak to me. Other days i feel like putting my fist up to fight Him. Still other days I ignore Him and His hand in my life. Yet through it all he has yet to give up on me and provide for me. Today i once again saw His hand in my life.

This past month has been a rough one for me. I've been trying to figure out what i want to do, if i want to stay at Cedarville, if I'm willing to take on the massive financial debt that Cedarville will impart on me. It's really put me in a mass confusion state of what i really want out of life, who i want to be, and what I'm willing to sacrifice to get there. God honestly scares the crap out of me when he does these things but seeing how He didn't install in us the power of fear, i guess its more of a challenge by Him. I know He's pushing me towards these things i cant see, but i know right now He's really testing my trust in His plan. when i leave Cedarville there is a good chance that I'll have well over a 100,000 dollars in debt. I can't even imagine that amount of money, yet I still feel i need to stay in this place, I feel God will provide and if i end up poor I'd rather be poor and serving the Lord than have no debt at all. My major is defiantly being changed but to what I don't really know, but I think I'll figure it out by His grace.

So now I enter a new chapter in my life. The road to a life serving Him somewhere, somehow, with people who need more help than I do.

Peace. Love. Hope.

breaking point.....

So I'm going to take some time to thank my friends. They are honestly the best people i could possibly be blessed with. I lost someone rather close to me this weekend yet i had a great weekend. made a lot of new friends too who have been amazing. Anyway, just pointing out Gods persistent grace.

I got into a conversation with my friend Lee the other night. He's really an inspiration because he's had cancer three times and still loves life. Anyway he was telling me about a friend of his who committed suicide and how he felt it was the only way out. We talked about how hard that was for him and stuff. I've always wondered how i would handle that situation, if I could truly be an encouragement to my friends. Anyway i wrote a song from that kids perspective today. so here it is currently untitled.

I am like a ship
on its maiden voyage
who thought she couldn't sink
but now i'm on the ocean floor
I am like a plane
who just got off the ground
but to my dismay
I'm falling down in a firey spiral

So many questions
So few decisions
could put a kid
in an early grave
I feel alive
but I feel alone
and I can't imagine
myself any better

You offer your drugs
but I push away
I know there's no supplement for this
It's always a lie
but I'm paralyzed
by the weight of my pain

So many questions
So few decisions
could put a kid
in an early grave
I feel alive
but I feel alone
and I can't imagine
myself any better

I took a leap
out of a third story window
and as my body crumbled
I thought of you
And what God will say
to me

A balancing act......

I'm finding that life is its best when you balance your time with God as the main focus. I was told the other day that obedience must come before God can truly reveal His plan for your life. The more i thought about it the more i realized how much this has rang true in my own life. Every moment in my life that I was able to really learn something about myself or about Gods plan for my life, I'm always being obedient at that point in my life. That isn't often enough i feel.

So I ask for prayer for my family today because we lost a great man to the Lord today. My uncle Bill, went home and I'll miss him until i arrive myself. I have this picture from when i was younger of him holding me, when i think of a picture of genuine love i think of that picture. His eyes are closed as he is hugging me and i feel like the picture caught a glimpse of real love in peoples lives. I wrote a song kind of talking about that love. I view it as the love of a child.

Tell me how
it was so easy to wrap my arms
around you when I was younger
I think I lost a part of me
When I decided to grow up

Is love defined by what we do
who we are, or the place we lay our head?
I miss you now
more than I did when you were here
Its always like that
I take for granted what I have until it's gone
make me a promise that tonight you'll stay by my side
cause i don't need to feel alone tonight

with my head in my hands
soft spoken words try to comfort me
but this conversation with this ghost is keeping me awake
I think I still have to many rats in the cellar
to possibly think about being able to sleep

Is love defined by what we do
who we are, or the place we lay our head?
I miss you now
more than I did when you were here
Its always like that
I take for granted what I have until it's gone
make me a promise that tonight you'll stay by my side
cause i don't need to feel alone tonight

and now that you've reached heaven without me
promise you'll wait up until I can get there myself
I don't know when, but when I see you
I swear I'll love you like a child once again

Love you all. peace.

How do we fight this....

I went to a acting on aids forum tonight. It gave me a lot more insight on the massive epidemic aids has become. Africa has been utterly destroyed by this virus and it makes my heart break to see these peoples lives destroyed by one virus. One thing that was said tonight was that the Bible is very clear that the world is going to become worse as we draw closer to the end times. So should we just give up and let the world go to the crap and let millions descend into hell. Absolutely not! God wants us to do everything possible in our power to help the people we can. The world is broken but we can mend its wounds and help people as much as possible. I feel that our lives if just pushed a bit further would be able to do so much more than we are now. I think hope is always a light shining in the dark from heaven.

I received a letter from one of my dear friends today and she asked a lot of questions i thought were interesting. she asked about marriage and if we had to choose between goals and marriage what would you chose. I think when choosing between Love and Love its hard for me I think that i would pursue what God wanted for me, which she did point out as a solution. I find relationships to have great value in life and marriage to have a place but i think if a marriage is right then you will still be able to purse both your dreams together with God in the center. I guess i haven't really given much thought to marriage in my life because it feels so far off in the distance. I can't really see myself getting married at this point in my life. Maybe someday but not now, honestly i don't think I'm even ready for a relationship because i need to be stronger in my walk with the Lord. Yea, so that's it.

Peace, peoples. Love ya. keep the Hope alive.

wrestling with angels......

Last night i spent a couple hours just fighting with God. Not a bad kind of fighting but a opening my eyes kind of fighting. I'm really tired today but i always find that after night like these i have a clear head. Sometimes i get really down on myself about things as stupid as the fact that I've never been in a meaningful relationship with a girl. I was really thinking about this last night because this week when i hung out with a bunch of my friends i realized i was the only one that didn't have a girlfriend. One of them pointed it out and said that they needed to hook me up and i laughed and said "good luck". The truth is I can't stay in dating relationships long because I'm always kinda scared to be out right and real with people. I'm a very outgoing person but i also have these moments that i just want to be honest and ask the hard questions in life. The ones that keep you up at night and make you talk with God alot. I always find comfort in the fact that i can talk to God about these things as cheesy as it may sound He is the only one that really understands me.

When it comes to girls I understand that He will place who He wants in my life and If I'm meant to be single my whole life then that's fine to. But if and when i meet her i want to be able to share both sides of myself with her and not fear rejection. I know there a things and places in my soul that she could never go and only God can understand but i would like for her to get the picture.

That said, I love my friends and they love me and accept me for what i am. Even if they do try to "hook me up" and fail at it sometimes.

I've been listening to one song that i feel is really the story of my life right now. Its called "Cinematic" by Cool Hand Luke

The other night I had a dream
It unfolded to the silver screen
A tragic fire, some tears were shed
I woke to find our hero dead
And wonder, ”What if this was me?”

If my life was cinematic
With a soundtrack so dramatic
You’d be the hero and You would save me
And it would have the sweetest ending

I want to live in such a way
That when I’m gone my friends would say
That if my life was turned to film
I’d be standing on a mountain shouting victory in the end
But in my heart I know it’s only true
If I’m supporting actor and the Oscar goes to You

If my life was cinematic
With a soundtrack so dramatic
You’d be the hero and You would save me
And it would have the sweetest ending

I don’t want to let You down
I want to make you proud
If anyone is watching me
I want to make it count for something

What if it ended here?
What if the credits rolled now?
What would the critics say?
Would it be the biggest let down?

If my life was cinematic
With a soundtrack so dramatic
You’d be the hero and You would save me
And it would have the sweetest ending

A picture of love.....

So i just finished one of my favorite movies Blood Diamond for the second time. I love that film it's truly a masterpiece of a film, see it if you never have. Anyway there is this moment in the film when Solomon finds his son again and his son does not remember him so he is pointing a gun at him. Solomons son has been kidnapped by rebels and been basically brainwashed into these terrible things he has killed many Innocent people and done many evil things. Solomon however is every bit as receipting of him as he says "Dea, you are my son and i am your father and I love you. Its time for you to come home and be my son again."

As i sat there watching this i realized how beautiful of a picture it painted of our relationship with Christ. When I think about my life with Christ, all i ever see is me broken, dirty, and like I've prostituted myself against Him. There is this line in a As Cities Burn song that says

"when I make it to heaven/i may be as bloody as hell/will you still take me?"

I've always think about that line when i think about heaven or the sin in my life. I have no doubt of my salvation but sometimes i really do question how it can be so easy. I know it is that easy though but i think that's a part of the beauty of God. He didn't make us have to do a million good things he just made it into a friendship. A friendship that is the greatest bond we have.

Another thing Blood Diamond always does to me is make my feelings stronger for in the words Maddy from the movie "I give a s---". I guess i really do just want this world to be a better place and I believe in order for that to happen we need to be grounded by the principles laid down by Jesus.

We paint these streets red

and sleep well in our beds

and we open our eyes

to the things that we have

sometimes i ask myself

is it worth the lives it cost

just to keep me happy

and to still not be happy

Brother, are you still alive

are you still limping on

despite my will to act

Brother, are you still dying

while I'm still lying

inside this bed of comfort

Children on the ground

their bodies are stretched out

mother by their side

weeping at the sound

of their last breath

and I'm still breathing

do i deserve to be breathing

Brother, are you still silent

will the world notice

your freshly dug grave

Brother, are you still crying

screaming for some savior

that never came to be

Father, are you still waiting

for this world to love you

for this place to change

Father, are you still seeing

all the hate we have

for the our own blood

and sometimes i question

if we can't love each other

than how can we love You

hold on.....

Listening to we shot the moon right now its really good, actually. Honestly i had lost interest in all of Jonathan Jones projects but i think when you add members of Sherwood to anything it becomes awesome.

Thoughts in my head tonight. Well today I realized how much i take for granted prayer, I'm coming to the conclusion that it is truly a very powerful thing that i tend to think of it almost as a going through the motions thing. I guess this is all culminating from the fact that i'm really trying to start depending in God for every breath and every moment i'm given. Its a beautiful goal that i hope someday maybe i'll be able to achieve.

I missed her today.
You always love people when they're away but its when they're right next to you when you should love them the most. So tell someone you love them today.

Peace.

love affair.......

Its been a wonderful couple of days!

Last night i had the privilege to get to see emery and as cities burn perform. They were both absolutely amazing. I also interviewed josh from emery before the show, which should be up for podcast in the next few weeks so keep checking resoundradio.com for that. I spent the night at Ry's house last night and woke up to pancakes this morning, which was awesome.

Today i hung out with my family for the first time in what felt like a eternity. Which is always good. Tonight i went and saw Natalie perform country songs. I kept thinking how weird how i was at a heavy rock show one night and country the next, typical my life though.

Anyway, i closed my night by driving out to this beautiful spot a few miles from my house by the lake. The stars were out tonight and it felt like it had been forever since i got the chance to lay back and marvel at God's beautiful creation. I love the stars they remind how small i am, and how big God is. As i layed there on the hood of my car I thought back to what i had read today in Searching for God knows what. It's a excellent book but Donald Miller showed how in the balcony scene in Romeo and Juliet Shakespeare explains the love of Christ with us. Crazy i know, bit it's true, it's so obvious when you compare it though.

The basic idea is we cannot restore ourselves and we have to let go of everything we desire to be restored to basically workable condition. I realized very quickly as i read this that I had always had the picture of salvation and the biblical story completely wrong. What the bible is, is a love story between God and his people. Here's the biggest thing that shocked me, God was once with us in Eden, but then we screwed that up but He missed us enough to come back for us. I can't even wrap my head around that HE MISSED US!!!!!!! Let me put this into perspective for you say you are working on something your entire life and you finish it. Its beautiful and the perfect picture of what you wanted. Then your very best friend who has encouraged you through this whole process of building this thing comes along and destroys it, it gone never to return again. You are so saddened that you curse them and throw them out of your life. Then almost immediately you start to miss them so what you do is give your son the thing you love more than anything else to die so your friend can be reunited with you. because you love him that much.

It makes me almost cry just thinking about it. I don't understand why He would ever want to have any of us around to be honest. I don't think I'll understand the why of the act, until i get to sit at His feet and listen to Him tell me why. But while I'm waiting i will accept His gift.

Love is amazing to me, at every level the way we show love, it fascinates me and excites me because i believe it is a cure. A cure for every wound, broken heart, pain, and disease we carry here on earth. If you say to me someone has terminal cancer, I'll tell you they should get a heavy dose of love because love is Gods cure for anything and what His kingdom is built on in this world and in the new one.

So as i layed there all alone with God, staring at the stars I simply said quietly "I accept".

Go cure someone.
Love You.