I am the bastard son.........

I wonder sometimes the impact that we have on other people and how our kindness and grace can affect them for good in their lives. Can we help people see good things in their lives. Often I need help seeing good in mine, I think God created us to be around each other but ever since we messed up the whole perfect garden of eden thing that we’ve struggled to find our place again. Its hard for me to love people the same way I tend to so selfishly love myself. I think its a work in progress, something thats taken me years and years but I’m seeing it now. The good we can do. Wherever we are. I think that its good to know that God knows me because honestly at this point in my life its been hard for me to understand myself so often. I’m just in such a flux that its hard for me to see the good in situations, I find myself angry and bitter at the events in my life. At the lack of attention given to me, God’s greatest child (Duh I’m right here). Yeah I know I’m an ass. 

The truth is I’m being selfish expecting God to do something. Its as if I’m waiting for him to perform a miracle and bring me something new to show his commitment to me. Am I completely selfish? Am I so obssesed with the goodness of my own well being that I forget to look around and see all the good things already handed to me. I just ask for more and more. When am I satisfied? When do I settle down and accept that God is in my life each day whether I chose to acknowledge him or not. I’m terrible. I am so bad at this. 

I find myself giving a laundry list of things to God to give me answers too:

I need a job. 

I need friends.

I need to move out. 

I need money.

I need direction.

I’m so tired of trying to fill my needs. Fill my desires. When did I become so selfish? When did I find myself with such a me focused attitude? 

God please have patience on this man who has lived and incredibly selfish lifestyle for so long. Please protect me from my persistent self-righteousness. 

Their is a line in a song that I love that says.

I still believe that change can happen
Though it's hard and it happens slowly
I still believe forgiveness comes with love
And God when it washes over me

I’m finding healing, forgiveness, love are something learned.They are not a formality. Its not something that automatically happens. Its something that we build towards. Something that takes time and a nursing attitude towards. 

God has so much for us. I know this. I want to serve Him. I don’t know what that looks like yet. I know it includes lots of conversations. Lots of giving. Lots of sacrifice. Lots of working my hands raw. 

Today I will begin this work for my Lord. 

Don’t be like me. Love life. Embrace it. Even when it starts to fall apart. Holdfast to the hope in Jesus. 

I am a pilgrim, a voyager

I won't rest until my lips touch the shore

Of the land that I've been longing for as long as I've lived

Where there'll be no pain or tears anymore 

Live.........

Live. Yes Live. 

Do not fear living. Do not fear a God that wants us to do just that. 

Live. Yes Live. 

Dance till your feet are blistered. Run until you legs give out. Swim till you cannot see the shore. Love until your heart is spent. Laugh until tears are flowing. Embrace as if its your last chance to do so. 

Live. Yes Live. 

We are here to live and we shall rest with a savior when we are dead. If you are unsure of this rest then Live within his thoughts and search him out. Its your journey and I promise He is the perfect travel partner. 

Live. Yes Live. 

You complete me............

I’ve been thinking about love a lot or maybe what I would now call romance. The idea of two people in a romantic relationship, some call this love. I guess I consider love to be the feeling that I feel for my friends and family and I’ve mistakingly called romance “love” before but hey you live and learn. Anyway, as always in my young age I think being surrounded by people that often find themselves striving for romance or making attempts to find romance in order to “settle down” or to have something “stable”, has sort of got me thinking about the idea behind these statements. An idea that I may completely be off about but non the less I’m still going to explain it here. 

I for most of my life have had big grand dreams of romance. I’m terrible about this, like really I make myself sick. Anyway its with these ideas that after some experiences of my own, I’ve sort of been given a reality check when it comes to romance or what so much of hollywood paints and even (gasp) the christian culture tells us it is.

First thing first:

No one and that bears repeating, NO ONE can fulfill you. I mean that in the most not to crush peoples dreams kind of way, but its simply true. If other people could complete us then why would we need Jesus? 

I learned this from experience and dependency on someone that was entirely unhealthy and destructive in both my life and theirs. Its still weird to me that happened but I guess in many ways it was bound to happen given my perceptions of romance. So if you think all those love songs and sappy movies are real then let me be the first to fill you in that is simply not the case. Sad I know. 

Romance is real. I think. At least it seems to be in the lives of many of my friends and family. So I’m not saying that its not real, I’m just saying that its not what we often make it out to be. In fact, I’m really starting to believe that romance is something that can only been seen in its full glory in the shadow of a God that has put together a little plan to get peeps together in the first place. God the matchmaker? Yeah thats really weird, lets move on. 

Now the main thing I need to say. We must find completion in this life, I know this as well as anyone. I truly believe that it can be found but not in people, electronics, clothes, promotions, kids, or lottery tickets. 

Completion is a God that lives with us everyday. That brings us joy through his grace. That gives us hope in our incredibly meager frames. He simply is completion. 

Let me say I’m terrible at embracing this. I literally need a reminder every day. 

Now I think that to be able to truly find romance and embrace romance the way God intended romance to be I think we have to be complete already. We can’t need someone. We can’t have to have someone. I think I just flew in the face of every major love song ever wrote. So this is why I think that learning life on our own is so important. Why I think finding Jesus on our own is a much needed thing that can give us the independence we need to be able to embrace the life that He wants so badly for us. This includes the partner or the singleness that He wants for our lives. 

So their’s my theory. Take it for what its worth. 

Recently I have been telling myself over and over, “Chris you may never meet anyone and thats ok as long as you’re doing what God wants you too”  

It’s taking sometime to take hold but I think eventually it will be built into me. 

The complete me that is. 

Thanks so much for listening if you read all this. 

Love. Peace. Hope. 

Here I am, Here I'll remain.....

Its pretty crazy that I have a savior thats really there from beginning to end. Day and night, sunrise till sunset.

The lord has been sweet to me in this season of my life. I've been taught a lot of good things, new things, affirmed of old things. I'm convinced more and more that me living for myself is just not going to work out. In fact it seems a lot of "normal" things that people want from life are just not so attractive to me. I'm not sure still what everything will look like. I just know that God has weird/cool things in store for me in life. 

I'm growing in the idea of not having a chance outside of him, I literally am truly believing that for the first time in my life. He's sort of becoming my oxygen machine, to be removed would cause me to feel dead. I've struggled with dependency my entire life......not to drugs, alcohol, or any other substance but to emotions, situations, or relationships. So I'm thinking maybe finally I'm becoming dependent on the thing I've always needed to be dependent on in the first place. I love it, so much joy inside this scenario! 

Things outside of Him are losing their attractiveness and serving him just seems like the best thing. Its weird I feel like my life has changed so dramatically over the last year and yet I'm honestly back in the same place I always thought I'd be. I thought I'd be graduating with very little attachment to anything and have the ability to just go serve. Guess what? I'm not attached to anything despite my best efforts to be attached and now I'm so thankful for that fact.

 I'm humbled by this. 

That word just keeps coming to mind "humbled". humbled before the Lord, because I'm pretty sure He has it figured out, even when I feel so lost, I haven't lost that since of peace and humility that he knows exactly whats going on. 

Here's a few things to think of and pray for. 

I'm feeling like a cynic far too much these days. humble me in this area God.

Whats next? Praying for that, would love it if you would too. 

I'm trying to be intentional about praying for my friends and family more often, so a biggie for me right now is all my college friends being faced with big changes in their lives. Pray for them to see the bigger picture and not just the lures of money and success. Also specifically my friends Joy's father has been diagnosed with congestive heart failure. This is tough stuff kids. Pray for Joy and their family at this time. 

Also please whoever reads this. If you want to comment prayers, I promise I will pray for them. 

Love. Peace. Hope. 

Thanks for reading, keep loving each other. 

i can do all things through.....

I want redemption. I want to taste the water. I want to fill my cup. I want to dance in praise. I want to love like He did.

I will always be His. I will never outrun Him. I will come back to open arms.


He is my Father and I am His son. 

I am His. He gives me my name. I am His. I have no allegiance to anyone but my Father.

I pray for strength to be a man that can serve Him. A man that pursues His mission, His Vision, His heavens.

I will praise today and tomorrow if I am given that much. I will love him forever and ever. He will not stop and so I will not also.

His is my Father and I am His son.

Contentment..........

I think we have a choice everyday to believe the things we know to be true. For instance I have to remind myself always that me not knowing what is coming is not necessarily the worst thing. I think its scary knowing that life is coming at a hundred miles an hour and we have to somehow figure out where we fit inside this mess. 

I want to be successful.

I want to love my job.

I want to marry my best friend.

I want to know what’s ahead right this moment.

I want to believe that its not my job to worry about this.

We have so many wants and frankly it exhaust me. I’m just so sick of not being content or understanding of where I am. God put me here and I need to just accept that. God has always given me so much love in my life and I need to accept that and love that. I’m terrible at this game. Still lots of learning to do. 

grace........

If we truly believe in grace. If we truly believe in the mission of Christ. 

Then we must forgive, redeem, and forget.

How many chances? As many as it takes.