I am the bastard son.........

I wonder sometimes the impact that we have on other people and how our kindness and grace can affect them for good in their lives. Can we help people see good things in their lives. Often I need help seeing good in mine, I think God created us to be around each other but ever since we messed up the whole perfect garden of eden thing that we’ve struggled to find our place again. Its hard for me to love people the same way I tend to so selfishly love myself. I think its a work in progress, something thats taken me years and years but I’m seeing it now. The good we can do. Wherever we are. I think that its good to know that God knows me because honestly at this point in my life its been hard for me to understand myself so often. I’m just in such a flux that its hard for me to see the good in situations, I find myself angry and bitter at the events in my life. At the lack of attention given to me, God’s greatest child (Duh I’m right here). Yeah I know I’m an ass. 

The truth is I’m being selfish expecting God to do something. Its as if I’m waiting for him to perform a miracle and bring me something new to show his commitment to me. Am I completely selfish? Am I so obssesed with the goodness of my own well being that I forget to look around and see all the good things already handed to me. I just ask for more and more. When am I satisfied? When do I settle down and accept that God is in my life each day whether I chose to acknowledge him or not. I’m terrible. I am so bad at this. 

I find myself giving a laundry list of things to God to give me answers too:

I need a job. 

I need friends.

I need to move out. 

I need money.

I need direction.

I’m so tired of trying to fill my needs. Fill my desires. When did I become so selfish? When did I find myself with such a me focused attitude? 

God please have patience on this man who has lived and incredibly selfish lifestyle for so long. Please protect me from my persistent self-righteousness. 

Their is a line in a song that I love that says.

I still believe that change can happen
Though it's hard and it happens slowly
I still believe forgiveness comes with love
And God when it washes over me

I’m finding healing, forgiveness, love are something learned.They are not a formality. Its not something that automatically happens. Its something that we build towards. Something that takes time and a nursing attitude towards. 

God has so much for us. I know this. I want to serve Him. I don’t know what that looks like yet. I know it includes lots of conversations. Lots of giving. Lots of sacrifice. Lots of working my hands raw. 

Today I will begin this work for my Lord. 

Don’t be like me. Love life. Embrace it. Even when it starts to fall apart. Holdfast to the hope in Jesus. 

I am a pilgrim, a voyager

I won't rest until my lips touch the shore

Of the land that I've been longing for as long as I've lived

Where there'll be no pain or tears anymore