as these things go..........

well I must say the days have been getting slightly better. I don't feel amazing by any means but things are improving I haven't lost any friends in this whole tangled mess and that is very much a good thing. Mostly because I couldn't stand to lose the person that this focuses around, she is simply put one of my best friends and I really do care a lot about her. Timing just once again hasn't worked in my favor and I can accept that, as bitter as it may taste I need to put my friends lives first. I guess that's all I have to say I guess. I still don't get love one bit and think that it may never make sense to me. Oh well time will tell.

when things don't feel right............

right now I can't even begin to describe how much things suck. Sometimes I just don't get life and how it decides to turn my world on its head in such an instant. I feel like each and everyday this week just more and more pain starts to stack itself on my chest and I can't sleep, I don't eat much, and I don't know what to do. I've been reading a little bit again and honestly I don't think its helping much this time. I just can't even imagine what I'm supposed to learn from this entire situation. I hate relationship stuff it just hurts my head, my heart, and opens wounds I thought had healed. The worst part is I feel for the most part in this situation I did the right thing and somehow got screwed because of it. I need lots of friends right now and tons more thoughts and prayer. Please oblige!

~A man in desperation for the first time in a long time

the bitter taste of time..........

the school years wrapping up. tears have been cried, lessons learned, failures came.......failures went, people left....people came, things that shouldn't have been said were said....things that should have been weren't, friends are leaving for good and I couldn't be more happy for the memories that I've had. I love you my dear senior friends and please remember to remain as great as you are now.

Cheers class of 2009!

they fixed your brain..............

Just sitting hear listening to the new As Cities Burn track and I am completely and utterly blown away with the song from beginning to end, its certainly a continued progression towards the final completion of their careers. I can not wait to hear the completed album as a whole, bet it will bring me to tears.

Anyway check out the stars tonight it always reminds me how small I am despite how puffed up our image of ourselves are.

the heart of life............

is good.

I need reminding of this every now and then. Recently I've been trying to clean myself in the midst of a lot of heartache and questions. My mom was recently diagnosed with cancer and my Dad is drawing closer and closer to losing his job. Good news is my mom so far is looking good as far as severity of cancer and my Dad is in the midst of a hardcore interview with a new company. Lord willing everything will work out for that and if it doesn't I'm realizing suffering is more a tool to teach than punishment. We live in a dirty, screwed up world and I can't change that accept to plead for God's return. And now for the honesty part.

I have come to a fork in my path in life. I have hidden a sin that I cannot anymore and now have pleaded and confessed it to God. For most my life the struggle with lust has been the end all be all sin and now hopefully I can start to climb back towards the light again outside of that.

Thanks for listening.

Don't lose yourself in the waves.

Peace.

i'll never be a saint.............

and for the first time I think I'm alright with that. Over the past few weeks I've felt God really trying to impose this idea upon me that he understands. He gets it, He knows that sin is a part of me the same as the heart beating within. He understands that never ever will i be anything but simply put a sinner but............that's exactly why he loves me because I fall so short. He doesn't like my sin but he loves that I admit that its there that I accept that its there and that I want to piece by piece remove the things that are there. I'll never be clean but somehow that's why He remains to show me that someday I'll join Him and I'll be bloody as hell but I'll still be there because He loved me where I was. Doesn't that just make the story of Jesus so much more powerful when you think that He loves us where we are, where we where, and where were going. No change needed just belief. If more people heard this we wouldn't have so many people that hate Christians. And for any of those that happen to read this and hate Christians than I want you to know as a Christian I understand I hate what we've made it as well.

That is all tonight I suppose.

To whomever may read this, God loves you just the way you are.
Don't ever forget that no matter what road you travel in life.

The house of God forever............

Little bit of stuff. I'm a piece of crap and I'm still loved. I wear a mask but He sees right through me. I let anxiety dominate my life and He holds me together.

I honestly don't understand this redemption story. I don't get how I play some pivotal role in this narrative. I don't understand why i think the way I do. Why I see people the way I do. Why I live where I do. Why I have the loved ones I do. Why I'm in this scholastic atmosphere I feel has no connection with me and I'm somehow succeeding.

I feel like fighting. I feel like crying. I feel like praising. I feel like cursing. I feel like loving. I feel like lying. I feel like staying. I feel like leaving. I feel like living. I feel like dying.

I have so many questions in my life and yet they all feel so small when compared to the knowledge that I'll live in the house of God, forever.