ticket...............

A subway car
My things next to me
There is no art
In leaving to see
Sights I’ve never seen
Faces that remain unnamed
But if I am the same man
I’m chasing something already tamed

I have my life in this ticket
Putting my heart in this cable car
And I’m going to run
Till I fall down
I have my life in this ticket now

The jet stream
Lull’s me to sleep
And as I dream
I think of the scene
Where the hero leaves
The love of his life
To save himself the pain
Of seeing her die

Doesn’t matter where
As long as I’m there
Then I’m better than where I was

using the fools..............

I think it's really amazing how God uses so many failures through out scriptures to further his ministry. Whats even more interesting is that the bible continually chooses to expose these flaws. A fluke? I think not that was the point, to expose the fact that they had problems and were still able to be used. To much today we get so caught up in the fact that we need to be the perfect example of Jesus, yet in all of it ultimately that it is impossible to achieve. I think the world needs to see our brokenness because their seems to be this common misconception that us followers of Jesus are perfect. Sorry peeps but that simply isn't true in my own life and I have no problem admitting that. I fail Him on a daily basis and yet he has called me to continue to get better and has used me already in the lives of others. I think there is a very powerful message in that: a man that uses the losers, idiots, and fools in the world for his glory. I read a quote the other day that i think speaks volumes about this and it's quite funny too.

"God spoke to Balaam through his ass, and God's been speaking through them ever since"
-Rich Mullins

run right back to the start.............

Two post in two days I'm so proud of myself. A friend of mine got me thinking upon affection and relationships today. I think their a beautiful thing to think about but it's hard for me to understand at this point in my life. I'm just a kid, albeit a big kid but I'm so in love with everything I meet and that is a lot of the reason why I'm not chasing after the first girl I meet. The longer I'm single the more I feel it is going to be incredibly hard to find someone. I'm picky but I think that is pretty good thing itself. I find myself knowing quickly when things will work or fizzle quickly. I'm very much a hopeless romantic at heart but a man that keeps his feelings away yet on my sleeve all the while. I think sometimes people confuse this for a certain self confidence that could easily be mistaken for arrogance. It's really not that at all, I'm just the way I am and I stopped fighting the way i feel things so deeply a long time. Relationships are defiantly the same way. I treat relationships as a deep and involving waltz that we can never fully understand. I think as much as we figure it out then we still have that much more to learn. I think we have a lot to learn form those that have gone before us and made something beautiful. I think we also have a lot to learn from the stories that we have in the bible. Stories such as Hosea that truly demonstrate authentic unconditional love. Anyway I've just been thinking I suppose and that is always a good thing.

Here is another piece of "Home"

Sunlight shown through blinds
Another night in a chair
Another day by your side
I wish I knew you could hear
Me say “I love you”
Over and over again
There nothing more I can do
But to pray that this would end

and you’re still fighting
So there is hope for us still

And while you were sleeping
I was dreaming of something
The kind of thing that they write books about
I know your sick honey
But when you wake up
I’ll sweep you off your feet and never let you go
I’ll never let you go again

Doctors make their way in
Same old story we don’t know
We’ll ill stand here to defend
Till you truly show
Some sign of life
Breathing in air to your lungs
And then we could try
To start back where this begun

And I know you can hear me
So I beg you dear
Don’t you leave me
Here alone in my fear
Cause my life was you
And I’ll never get it back
Without you

confession.........

Why do we lose sight of what we need the most so often? I don't understand why I'm such a fool to claim to be so in love yet to cheat on my love. I am a simple man a man that is often tested by the things around me. I bow to my youthful lust, to my own idealism about this life. I doubt my decisions and discredit my own fate. I fear a future filled with failure and pointless actions. I have a love but i find myself astray more often then not. I have friends but refuse to accept their love because my heart believes I deserve a life of solitude. I miss someone I've never met, a place I've never been is where I'd like to call my home. I find myself more and more displaced where I am and wish for a escape from the blessings I've been given. I find myself staring into space because I miss the fresh air of poverty stricken streets and disease filled homes.

I am a fake.
A whore.
A man that has lost his way.
A lonely soul.
A ship without guide.
I have been unfaithful to my love.

But my Jesus has been faithful to me.
So I say now.
Grace make your way to the well.

can't slow down.............

We'll folks here it the first song/lyric from the most complete collection of writings of my life. This is still a rough version so it could change drastically but the general idea is there. So the story behind the lyric is basically my complacency in the world at this point in my life and a reflection on what I've already done. I'm restless therefore i can't slow down but at the same time I'm very much wanting to find something solid to grasp. Fortunately God has me covered as i grasp tightly to Him.

-Can’t Slow Down-

I fell in love at 15/Never felt the same/Just chased an old flame/That never quite burnt out/It was me and it was her/But now it just seems like a blur

Sometimes I wish I knew where I was going/Maybe have someone to call home too/But I know things are good/And I know I have a Father that loves me/So I guess I’ll just keep moving/Cause God knows I can’t slow down/No, I can’t slow down now

20 years on the road/To many places I’ve called home/Watched the sun set on the Pacific/Then watched it dance on the Atlantic/Never thought I’d love again/But then I found something new in Severin

I’ve seen so much/In so little time/And yet I still feel like/There’s so much left to learn/So God give me grace/To go on/Cause I can't slow down now

tilt your glasses steep........

Then drain them if your like me

I don't get life. It just is so confusing. I feel stronger some days than others and then there are days where I stare into space and ask myself "why". There are days I love God, then there are days I feel as if He is my enemy. Now don't freak out and say oh no "he's lost his faith". That's not it at all, trust me I believe in God more now than ever, in fact his realness has been impressed upon me so hard that it kills me every time that I look in the mirror and know that I haven't really served Him the way I should. The truth is I'm a mess but I really am starting to think we are all just messes that are some how held together by something. I don't know this is just random crap I suppose. I feel as if there is a bigger issue at hand here that i am missing though. Pray for me and my screwed up self. I'm fighting some of my biggest battles right now. Home is coming along, I feel a purity in these writings that I've never tapped into before.

P.S. listen the farewell flight

gasoline and vaccines........

If I'm a one trick pony
then it's one heck of a trick
because all i can remember

is that I forgot your name
when I tried to forge my own way
it's so hard to be honest
when your born from a lie
so don't give me pity
just give me a city
to burn down

everybody get your guns
will make ends meat tonight
by slaughtering our insides
no one cares when there's nothing at stake
so dance your last dance
we've got nothing left to lose

I threw up at the drop of the hat
You say "I'm worth more than that"
but I'm not too sure
when my life is just a blur
I'm drinking my life away
and I don't even need
alcohol to kill me
I'll do it myself
by the choices I make

I've been playing with gasoline
to find some kind of vaccine
for the love that we left behind
They wont forget us when were gone
because we'll be the ghost in their dreams