cut......

So I'm writing a paper on cutting right now. Its been very hard for me to write because i had friends who did it in high school. I literally get sick in my stomach whenever i start to think about it. I always just want to hold every single person that deals with this problem. It's really things like cutting that tell me more than anything that Jesus is the answer to every one's problems. He is the only one that can truly heal the scars on these people, by pulling them close and telling them it'll be ok. For information on the stories of these people check out To Write Love On Her Arms. Its a great organization that I hold dear to my heart because they care and believe in loving people.

Here are some words that i found quite beautiful from mewithoutyou tonight. It just really describes our desperate need for God and the little purpose we have outside of him.

"Carousels"

On a bus ride into town, I wondered out loud, "Why am I going to town?"

As I looked around at the billboards and the stores I thought, "Why do I look around?"
And I kissed the filthy ground...the first dry spot I found...
I didn't have to wonder why I was laying down.

Before long I was too cold...took a bus back to the station,
I found a letter left by a pay phone with no return contact
And it read like a horn blown by some sad angel,
"Bunny, it was me...it was me who let you down"
It was the shyest attempt I'd ever seen at conversation.

But if I didn't have You as my guide, I'd still wander lost in Sinai,
Counting the plates of cars from out-of-state,
How I could jump in their path as they hurry along!
And You surround me, You're pretty but You're all I can see
Like a thick fog...
If there was no way into God,
I would never have laid in this grave of a body for so long.

And St. Cyril's fair always came through the first week of September
But it's already the 19th...and there's no sign of it...
Yet I have a hard time remembering all the things I should remember
And a hard time forgetting all the things that I was supposed to forget.
And, Christ, when You're ready to come back,
Then I think I'm ready for You to come back;
But if You want to stay wherever exactly it is You are,
That's okay, too...it's, it's really none of my business.

And if I didn't have You as my guide, I'd still wander lost in Sinai
Or down by the tracks watching trains go by
To remind me: there are places that aren't here.
And I had a well but all the water left,
So I'll go ask Your forgiveness with every breath,
And if there was no way into God,
I would never have laid in this grave of a body...so long, dear.

Love song, for the lonely......

This is my reaction to all the love songs i had to hear last night. No offense to Josh Bales but a lot of people don't get to have all the love he's feelin'. Hope you like it.

So I sit here
with my hands in my lap
and my legs crossed
listening to a guy sing about
something i can't figure out
another love song
and I might throw up

This is a love song, for the lonely
just an anthem, for those not so lucky
for the ones who will walk home alone

This room feels like
it's full of romance
but I'm empty
and every guy here
wants to grab the girl next to him
and kiss her
I think I'm getting sick to my stomach

This is a love song, for the lonely
just an anthem, for those not so lucky
for the ones who will walk home alone

and I'm sorry I don't feel the same as you
but I think I speak for us all
when I say we get carried away
in the emotional times, i think its a lie
so let me out of this room
I may pass out soon
If I don't get away from here

This is a love song, for the lonely
just an anthem, for those not so lucky
for the ones who will walk home alone

In other news God is awesome and i love my friends, that is all.
Faith.
Hope.
Love.

How to see God.....

So I'm starting to see God. I'm starting to realize how much God is with me and how He is a part of everything. I sat tonight in a room surrounded by friends and listened to music that i though i would like and didn't end up liking. But it was strange as i sat there laughing with these friends, i felt God there just sitting beside me saying "see how happy i can make you when you let me". I just smiled and whispered "thank you" under my breath.

I'm starting to want to feel that more, see God in the simple things in life. The way a friend smiles, the way we put ourselves in awkward situations, the way the sun shines and the wind blows. the way i feel with my windows down with my stereo cranked loud, the way i feel about my friends, the way i silently ask God to never let moments end.

I just feel Him everywhere, its a nice way to live you should try it sometime. That said Josh Bale is a tool and nothing but a sappy love song writer. Yet even though i didn't like the music, i saw God in him too. Plus i got to write a love song for the people not in love. Its sweet I'll post it later.

Love You.

slowdown..........

sometimes i get so eager in my life and people then have to force me to slow down. This happens with every single thing, even when i have good intentions, i tend to go overboard. It's simply one of my thousands of flaws but i do think its pretty cool that God still loves me despite these deficiencies. The big one that hit me today is getting impatient with myself, about a relationship I wanted to get moving. I hate when i catch myself doing these things because then i feel ridiculous afterward. One day I'm perfectly content with my life the next i long after something else. What this ultimately is misplaced desire. When i should be desiring God more I desire something else to fulfill me. I'm just to stupid to see it until someone points it out.

I don't understand it but I'm such an impatient person that i just let that drive me and my desires. If there's one thing that I've learned about God it's that he's extremely patient because he puts up with our stupidity constantly. So if I've ever acted like n idiot around you i do apologize and I'm not going to promise i wont don't do it again because i probably will, but i will strive to be better.

I'm officially switching to comm studies with a concentration in organizational communication. Basically I'm getting to pick an choose what classes i want to take. It will allow to open so many doors and i think I'm going to be living in Ireland for a bit in the process. Hopefully more on that later.

Heres a lyric i wrote recently that kind of hits exactly how i feel about love right now.

"Take the lead"
she said to me
you know this place better than I do
on my knees
begging please
that these days won't end without you

January 3rd, your leaving town
and I am so busy with school
but if I made the time
maybe I would find
something worth fighting to keep

and if this is still a game
than I've got more to learn
but if love is still on hold
then please just take the lead

Summer is a lonely time
hours spent living life
for a paycheck at the end of the week
that makes me miss friends
and the time we spent together

and if this is still a game
than I've got more to learn
but if love is still on hold
then please just take the lead

and I promise this is more than
just another thing I'll give up on
it means more to me
so just take the lead

downtrotten.....

i often feel this way about life. I get into these depressed states for a few days normally focusing around problems I'm dealing with. i guess this weekend i was feeling a little on the depressed side. Somehow i always find refuge and hope in Gods word though. so i guess that's what this post is about hope.

In John 14:18-19 Jesus says "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Yet a little while and the world will see me no more, but you will see me. because I live, you also will live"

This verse is pretty amazing to me. The comparing us to orphans is beautiful comparison in my opinion it really is how I feel a lot of the time. I think it really is who we are as people so lost, stumbling around trying to find happiness. Yet we have non just a momentary joy the slowly fads away soon after that moment. Then Jesus comes along and gives us undying joy. That's pretty cool.

Then i love how Jesus puts it when he says they wont see me anymore but you will see me. I think that really encouraging to us. I always find that Jesus places words in my life that i need right when i need them and not a second to late.

That is all.
Peace.
Love.
Hope.

foot washing......

My hall here at Cedarville(basically the people i live near) had a hall meeting last night. My R.A. who I have tremendous respect for read aloud the Easter story and as he ended he said "one thing that Jesus did at that last supper was wash his disciples feet. I'm not going to think of myself worthy enough to wash all your feet tonight but we are all one by one going to wash each other feet".

My first reaction was the natural one "that's gross" but as we He started by washing the first persons feet. I started to see the beauty and power of this image of a man bowing down to another man to wash his feet. Then i saw Jesus doing this at the last supper and my eyes started to water a bit. I then proceeded to wash a friend of mines feet, it was so humbling and wonderful to feel the way Jesus must of felt, as he was wiping clean his disciples feet knowing he would do the ultimate cleaning by laying his own life down soon.

I then climbed into the chair to have my feet cleaned and as a friend of mine started to clean them I lost it a bit emotionally. I saw Jesus before me, washing me clean and giving Himself up so I could be forgiven, so I could some how join Him one day, so i could have a relationship with Him that wasn't superficial but honest and real.

I was shaking by the end of the night and there wasn't one person that wasn't touched in the room i believe. God was so close that night, He was there telling me "see what I'm willing to do for you, see how much I love you". I couldn't help but say "i love you" right back.

I'm taking this Easter season so much more serious this year. Actually serious really isn't the right word, it's more real and not just a story anymore, it's why I'm alive. Praise Him.

Love you all, I'd gladly wash any of your feet.

New Revelations.........

God is so mysterious to me. Some days i want to sit and just have Him speak to me. Other days i feel like putting my fist up to fight Him. Still other days I ignore Him and His hand in my life. Yet through it all he has yet to give up on me and provide for me. Today i once again saw His hand in my life.

This past month has been a rough one for me. I've been trying to figure out what i want to do, if i want to stay at Cedarville, if I'm willing to take on the massive financial debt that Cedarville will impart on me. It's really put me in a mass confusion state of what i really want out of life, who i want to be, and what I'm willing to sacrifice to get there. God honestly scares the crap out of me when he does these things but seeing how He didn't install in us the power of fear, i guess its more of a challenge by Him. I know He's pushing me towards these things i cant see, but i know right now He's really testing my trust in His plan. when i leave Cedarville there is a good chance that I'll have well over a 100,000 dollars in debt. I can't even imagine that amount of money, yet I still feel i need to stay in this place, I feel God will provide and if i end up poor I'd rather be poor and serving the Lord than have no debt at all. My major is defiantly being changed but to what I don't really know, but I think I'll figure it out by His grace.

So now I enter a new chapter in my life. The road to a life serving Him somewhere, somehow, with people who need more help than I do.

Peace. Love. Hope.